Moratorium

The new therapist suggested I might be a little overly self-critical.

She was really tactful about how she said it too, and I laughed and said “you’re not the first person who has suggested that”. Or something like that.

So today is Friday. And my birthday is next week. And so I am giving myself a present. A science experiment.

I’m going to try a week without self criticism. Both the immediate kind (are these pants tight, I’m so fat, why am I alone on a Friday, why didn’t I do more at work today? why is this house such a mess), the mid-range (why can’t I remember that I have already tried no self-criticism before? why did this place used to look better and now its worse, why did I stop going to the gym, why didn’t I make better decisions) and the big, overarching kind (you suck, you are stupid, you’re ugly, you don’t do enough, no one likes you). Yep, all those kinds. Which go on in my head all the time.

One week. I don’t know if its possible to turn off those voices but I know this – a week doesn’t matter. Any criticism I need to give myself will wait a week. If I’m eating wrong or not exercising enough, I will deal in a week. If I’m socializing wrong, same thing. If I say something that may not have been as witty or kind as I meant it, it will wait. If I don’t give the dogs enough, if I leave dishes in the sink and clothes on the bed. One week of all of that won’t matter. I can get by without criticising myself for a week.

This is also a week of celebrating accomplishment. Look at what I’ve done in a year: I’ve gone from 265 to 145. I’ve started exercising and built up muscle. I’ve become more outgoing and participate more at work. I’ve got a better relationship with the dog and he’s neutered and out of the gene pool. I have some social connections I didn’t have a year ago and I’m working on lots more. I went to a social event last weekend, and I’m going to one tonight, tomorrow, maybe Sunday. Work is better than last year – I can concentrate and be productive some of the time. I’ve made improvements in my physical appearance – lasered away some hair, got a haircut and coloring from someone I like, learned how to put on eye makeup. I eat healthy. I refinanced my house so mortgage is a couple hundred less a month. I’ve got money saved for at least the first round of surgery. There’s a chance things at work will improve with the insurance and at least I’ll speak up. I can get legally married, if I meet someone I want to marry. I came out, my family and friends know I’m gay. Most of them, anyway. Some of them. Okay, MORATORIUM.

So, week of celebration. Of telling myself I’ve made so much progress.

I’ll give it a try anyway, what do I have to lose?

Yeah, 20 pounds. But what else?