good times, bad times

I just watched the Kentucky Derby.   Two horses ran to the finish line, one out in the lead, the other right behind.  We were watching the one in front win a great race.   We were watching the one behind dying.

Eight Belles galloped home second, fell to the track with two broken front legs and was euthanized.   It defies my understanding that she could have run so strongly, so beautifully one second and be dead seconds or minutes later.   Were her legs already broken when she crossed the finish line?  Did they break after the race was over,  when she was already slowing down,  when there was no more need to subject them to the tremendous strain of a running horse?   I guess no one knows.

Horses that run the Derby are two year olds.   I love racing but time after time we send young animals out to be injured and die for our sporting pleasure.   Is it really right to do that to them?  

This has nothing to do with anything except my bad mood of the day.  I had a bad morning, a bad afternoon and I’m gearing up for a bad evening.   It’s hard to maintain diet and exercise at a time like this.   I went on a 2.5 mile walk this morning, I rolled around on the balance ball and at least my back stopped hurting.   I ate a cookie and two pieces of chocolate.   And I’ve been starving all day.    I’ve been starving a lot lately but my weight doesn’t seem to reflect it.   I was 149ish on both scales today, but only after I went for that walk and weighed myself in an empty, dehydrated body.  Every month at this time I think “what if it has stopped?”  “What if I’m just not going to lose any more weight?”.   It’s not realistic but it happens every month.

But today, I guess I’m trying to not be so self-absorbed.   The race makes me sad and I feel conflicted about whether I should watch and enjoy races at all.   The things that went wrong today make me frustrated and disappointed and depressed.   My dogs make me guilty and angry (someone pulled the futon off the frame again…).   It is hard to know what to do with all this emotion when you’ve been an emotional eater all your life and you’re not doing that any more.   Stopping the overeating leaves you with this void.  I don’t know what healthy coping skills are.   I just want to order pizza and hibernate.