It’s been 2 weeks since I logged in to post, which shows that things are not going well, and I am dealing with it by not dealing with it.   An old standby.

Yesterday I called a personal trainer.   Today I spoke to her and tomorrow I’m going for an initial consult.   If things go okay, I will probably sign on for two sessions a week for a while.

My goal is to get a handle on what is going on with my weight.   The first few days of July, I got sick - I think it might have been an ulcer bleed but I’m not positive.   I didn’t eat at all for about a day and a half, ate lightly for another day and a half, then felt better and was ravenous.

At the point where I hadn’t eaten and knew I was cleand out and dehydrated I weighed myself - it was 137.   Of course, elation.   Yes, I’ll take disease, nausea, diarrhea, vomiting, if I can make my goal weight.   Sure.

That was a couple days before July 4th.  

This Sunday, the 13th, I weighed myself.   It was morning, I had not eaten anything, I had gone to the bathroom and gone and done an hour of yoga, walking to and from the class on a hot summer morning.   The scale said 148.   Despair.   Misery.   But, rationally - I did not gain 10 pounds in about 10 days.   The fat percentage said 21.5% which is incredibly low.  I don’t remember what it said at 137.   Not that low anyway.   So clearly it is water related - I was dehydrated, it was hot, my body was retaining water.

But I just can’t tell where I am, so I need professional help.   Someone who at least thinks they know how to measure these things.   Someone who can monitor and let me know if they think I’m losing fat when the scale doesn’t show it.   It’s been 2 months since I’ve seen reliable movement on the scale.   I just don’t see how I could have spent two months adding muscle for every bit of fat I lose.   Although they do say that muscle not only weighs more, but it retains water.  

However, in other news - I ate frozen yogurt three times in a week, and I had pizza last Saturday.   So maybe I am gaining fat.   Meanwhile, my pants seem to be hanging off me even more.  

But I read today that you can lose inches *without losing fat* - their claim was that as you tone your muscles, they I guess get smaller, or move or something so that you lose inches underneath the fat essentially.   That’s a depressing thought.

There is so much misinformation out there though, I just don’t know what to believe.

I have a follow up consultation with one of the two surgeons I am debating between in two weeks.   I wanted to be 125 or below.   Instead - anywhere from 137 to 148, or worse.    If the scale goes over 150, I am really going to be depressed.  

So that’s all the news from Lake Wobegon.  Where I’m definitely feeling below average.

Who the hell knows.    That’s the point.

Camera is broken, can’t take pictures.

For the past two days, the scales have been at 140.8 and 140.something.  GS is not as stable as NS on this point.

So, almost, almost, almost to the 140 goal.   It’s the last day of the month.   If it just keeps heading downward, that would be nice.

About 15 pounds away from a normal BMI.   I think that’s my goal, just 127ish.   125.   Still a long way, at this rate.  Well, I don’t know what rate this is. 

This morning I’m too nauseated to eat.   I also tried half a cup of cottage cheese with protein powder dumped in it.   Not good.   I’m eating saltines for breakfast instead. 

I wish I could just wake up with all the weight lost and all the plastic surgery done.   Seriously, can’t someone induce a coma and wake me when it’s all over?  

I just saw A Chorus Line.

They are promoting it with the tag line  “The Best Musical.  Ever.”

I agree, but as I watched, much as I love it, much as I see it has an amazing amount and variety of valuable life lessons, much as it meant to me as a gay adolescent growing up in the seventies, I also noticed something.    It is full of negative messages about being fat.

Like …  “all thanks to sis, now married and fat” ;  “mother, fat, always in the kitchen, cooking all the time”;  “different is nice, but it sure isn’t pretty, pretty is what it’s about”;  “Connie:  I think I’ll go live on our 50 acres in Vermont, spend all the time in the kitchen and getting fat.    Christine:   That sounds great.   Except the “fat” part.”; 

And of course, the song with the message that your looks matter more than anything else:   Dance Ten, Looks Three - the musical homage to plastic surgery.

Funny how I could have seen that show at least half a dozen times growing up and spent countless days lying on the living room carpet listening to the album, and still not immediately think of it when I thought of having plastic surgery.

Have it all done, honey take my word

Grab a cab, come on, see the wizard on Park and 73rd for…..

tits, and ass

Orchestra and balcony

What they want is what you see

Keep the best of you, do the rest of you

Well, they are performers.   But I don’t think it matters.   Those are the messages we’re bombarded with growing up.  And being fat since I was six, I can’t imagine how many messages I’ve received from songs, tv, movies, books and other people that there was something wrong with me.   And maybe there was, but there was no way a six year old was able to figure out that she should adjust her calorie intake and calorie outflow balance, work on aerobic and muscle building exercises and change her body fat percentage.   Instead she just learned what she was being taught - she wasn’t good enough and she never would be.  

It’s my birthday. I didn’t even weigh myself to see how much I have missed my goal by or anything. It’s the week of things being “good enough”.

Also, I had lunch with my mother and sister and ate 3 pastries and 2 cookies. Okay, 1/2 of one pastry, 1/3 of one pastry, 1/2 of one cookie, one whole cookie and 1/2 of another cookie. To be precise.

A creme brule with strawberry in it, an almond thing, a coffee macaroon, a mango macaroon and and almond cookie. French stuff. Good french stuff.

And a salad.

And I went to yoga and worked really hard and ate a bagel and took the dogs to the park to play frisbee really early and … I don’t know. Other stuff. It’s been a weird day and I suppose that’s good because it kept my mind off of things.

I realized I have let the forward motion of this blog - the writing of lists of things relating to plastic surgery and the researching of them - kind of drop off. Also the researching of disability is high on the list. So I’ll pick that up again soon.

Meantime, I guess I’m leaving work now (yes, blogging something this personal from work…. good ideeeeeeeaaaaaa?)

Good enough for today. Healing slowly. Those are the thoughts for today.

Happy Birthday to everyone else whose birthday it is. Love, me.

Well, the moratorium is still in effect but I can’t tell whether it’s making any difference.

I did try a couple things this weekend in the categories of “probably not going to work out” that worked out - one was going to a social gathering where for a change I actually talked to people and in fact talked so long that I was late for dinner and had to reschedule that. The other was taking my dog to a training event, where I really was just able to handle the fact that he is a tiny bit of an asshole (barking, got off the leash twice and ran around, poked his nose a lot of places noses don’t go, pooped 4 huge bags full etc….) and appreciate what he did well (catch the frisbee every single time the instructor tossed it…. god, this dog needs a better person.)

I am giving myself 45 birthday presents for my 45th birthday and so far I have a list of 26, of which I’ve actually given myself 11. In case that sounds a little too Dudley Durselyish, they are things like “call a personal trainer”, “take the yoga class at work”, “buy flowers when I want to”, “take a training class with aforementioned asshole doggy”, something off ebay that cost $2.50, and some Starbucks mugs (argh, not allowed…). It’s more the idea of honoring what I need and want. Celebrating achievement. And all that.

I should put finding a primary care physician on that list.

So, the scale this morning said 145.4 and 144.8 or something like that. Hmm, maybe 146.4? Now I can’t remember. I think 145. BUT the thing is, it said the fat percent was 26, then it went down to 25.5. And water was 51, 52%.

So that should mean, there is no fat gain, it’s all…. something else. But what? What is going on? The water number - okay, that should mean, I’m retaining water. And we are having a heat wave, it’s somewhere near that time of the month (Day 19) and I always have a major water retaining episode at the end of June and through July - “bar exam season”. For some reason. So is that what it is? Or is it that muscle retains water?

And more importantly, will I one day (soon, please!) get on the scale and find all that water has dropped away and I’m suddenly 5 pounds lighter. Because if the fat percentage has gone down nearly 3 percent, I’ve got to have lost fat pounds, right? I just really don’t get this. This is why “see personal trainer” is on the list. I really need someone who has equipment that knows how to monitor fat. I should take one of those displacement tests.

Anyway, happy Monday, happy Moratorium. I think to get the full effect, the moratorium is going to continue through next Sunday. No criticism. Celebration of achievement.

I did do the fat-burning workout this morning. This is the one I’m currently doing:

The new therapist suggested I might be a little overly self-critical.

She was really tactful about how she said it too, and I laughed and said “you’re not the first person who has suggested that”. Or something like that.

So today is Friday. And my birthday is next week. And so I am giving myself a present. A science experiment.

I’m going to try a week without self criticism. Both the immediate kind (are these pants tight, I’m so fat, why am I alone on a Friday, why didn’t I do more at work today? why is this house such a mess), the mid-range (why can’t I remember that I have already tried no self-criticism before? why did this place used to look better and now its worse, why did I stop going to the gym, why didn’t I make better decisions) and the big, overarching kind (you suck, you are stupid, you’re ugly, you don’t do enough, no one likes you). Yep, all those kinds. Which go on in my head all the time.

One week. I don’t know if its possible to turn off those voices but I know this - a week doesn’t matter. Any criticism I need to give myself will wait a week. If I’m eating wrong or not exercising enough, I will deal in a week. If I’m socializing wrong, same thing. If I say something that may not have been as witty or kind as I meant it, it will wait. If I don’t give the dogs enough, if I leave dishes in the sink and clothes on the bed. One week of all of that won’t matter. I can get by without criticising myself for a week.

This is also a week of celebrating accomplishment. Look at what I’ve done in a year: I’ve gone from 265 to 145. I’ve started exercising and built up muscle. I’ve become more outgoing and participate more at work. I’ve got a better relationship with the dog and he’s neutered and out of the gene pool. I have some social connections I didn’t have a year ago and I’m working on lots more. I went to a social event last weekend, and I’m going to one tonight, tomorrow, maybe Sunday. Work is better than last year - I can concentrate and be productive some of the time. I’ve made improvements in my physical appearance - lasered away some hair, got a haircut and coloring from someone I like, learned how to put on eye makeup. I eat healthy. I refinanced my house so mortgage is a couple hundred less a month. I’ve got money saved for at least the first round of surgery. There’s a chance things at work will improve with the insurance and at least I’ll speak up. I can get legally married, if I meet someone I want to marry. I came out, my family and friends know I’m gay. Most of them, anyway. Some of them. Okay, MORATORIUM.

So, week of celebration. Of telling myself I’ve made so much progress.

I’ll give it a try anyway, what do I have to lose?

Yeah, 20 pounds. But what else?

At the start of this year, I wanted to be 130 by my birthday. Anything less than that is “gravy” - my goal is “somewhere under 130″, maybe 127, maybe 125, maybe if I get a personal trainer, 120.

So anyway, I FAILED. Yep.

As we know from basically all my posts of the last month, my weight loss suddenly dried up. I was just barely under 150, then I was inching my way towards 140 and now? Now? I don’t know because I’m afraid to weigh myself every day because I don’t want to ruin the day before it begins. Up and down. Well, it was up as much as almost 147 last time I tried. Yes, like I said below, the scale says fat % is down and water is up and maybe there is an explanation. The latest I read is that muscle retains water. Okay. I thought fat retained water. Whatever.

The point is, when faced with almost certain failure to meet my goal, I did the only logical thing: I changed my goal.

So then, I wanted to get to 140 by my birthday. Still good. Still 125 pounds less than I was on my birthday last year. And seemingly doable when I was at 143 at the end of May with only 3 pounds to lose.

And now, I’m going to FAIL that too. I just know it. Because if I really am at 147, I’m not going to lose 7 pounds in a week. And my birthday, yes, it is in a week. One week from today. Under normal circs, losing 1-2 pounds would be the most I could hope for. Under these circs, I’m just hoping I don’t weigh 150 on my birthday and feel like all the work of the last two months is wasted.

And I’m still exercising - I’m still doing the work. I had a yoga class today. Yoga is hard. My muscles hurt. I did a fat-burning tape last night plus a balance ball for weight loss tape (part of it, before collapsing in a heap below the unforgiving gaze of Suzanne Deason who only cares about whether I have tucked my naval to spine.)

Um, where was I? Oh yes, FAILING.

So I doubt I’ll be putting up any “yay, I’m 140″ pictures next week. I mean, I guess it could happen but I doubt it.

So what do I do about this? I’m giving it time, I’m waiting to see if this is just a plateau, I’m trying newer exercise methods, intensifying methods. I wish I could say I was eating less or the same but really I’m eating a little more. Because I’m hungry all the time and feeling deprived for the first time in a year. I’m thinking of seeing a doctor, a trainer, a new therapist. I am seeing a new therapist actually. Tomorrow.

I don’t have answers, I only have a “just for today, I’m not giving up” attitude.

Oh, I did buy new workout closes from Big Attitude as one of the 45 birthday presents I’m giving myself this year. They are awesome - I ordered Monday, they were here Wednesday. I could not recommend them more highly.

Okay, so I guess 45 is the Failure anniversary. I’m just letting it happen. I don’t have much choice, anyway.

Really wanted to go out to breakfast today, which is a bad sign because I already went out yesterday and using eating out as entertainment is one of the Forbidden Things.

So I ended up making a big bowl of breakfast. This is what it has: half a cup of non-fat plain yoghurt (TJ’s Fage brand 0% fat), 1/2 a cup of applesauce (TJs again, gravenstein, just apples), 1/2 a cup of cheerios (actually TJs o’s cereal - sensing a pattern?), 2 prunes cut up in small pieces, 1/2 a yellow kiwi cut up and cinnamon sprinkled all over it.

I didn’t take a picture because I just started eating it. It’s yummy and a huge quantity. About 250 calories and 12 grams of protein by my calculations.

Really nice mix of flavors. I have each thing separate in the bowl, except the prunes and cinnamon which are sprinkled on top. Or the “dried plums” as the TJs bag refers to them. But lets face it, I’m old, I’m on a weird diet, and I eat prunes for their traditional purpose….

TMI. Have a good day.

I haven’t posted in a while. Which means things aren’t going that well.

Funny, for over a year I lost 10 pounds a month like clockwork. End of April, I hit the 10 pound milestone of 150. And things just stopped. Right now I’m, um - who knows? 145? 146?

Things seemed okay last month. That is, not, but I had enough excuses and enough downward movement to feel like I knew what was going on.

Now I don’t. My weight got to around 143, 142 at the end of May. I thought, great, I will get under 140 soon. And then, it just stopped. And then, it reversed if anything.

Lately I’ve only been weighing myself every few days and it’s never good. Yesterday it was 146.6 on the new scale.

But here is the odd thing. My fat percentage had been around 30. Sometimes 30.5 or 31. Now it is consistently coming out 27.5. So I can’t just assume the weight is up because I’ve put back on a few pounds of fat. The scale is saying it’s water. The water percent is up over 50, when it was more like 47, 48.
But why would I be retaining water? It’s not that hot. It’s not that time of the month. And I don’t feel bloated or swollen. My ankles aren’t swollen, my shoes fit. In fact, my fingers feel dry right now.

I wonder if it’s that reverse psychology thing. If I’m dehydrated, the body won’t release water, so it is retaining more. On the other hand there have been days when, if I may provide too much info for a moment, I have peed like a gusher.

Meanwhile, I don’t feel fatter either. I think my pants are looser still - I’m hiking them up to my rib cage and clipping them with a binder clip to keep them up. I just bought new underwear in a size 7, down from a size 8 because the 8s were getting bagging in the butt and as long as I needed more, I figured I’d try a better fitting size.

Well, I just don’t know so all I can do is wait and see. I’m exercising. Today I did a “fat burning for dummies” tape and the basic balance ball tape. I did other weight training tapes yesterday. I’ve done the fat burning tape several times lately. It’s tiring. And I walked some, took dogs to the park in the morning, various stuff. Didn’t go to the gym all week, but I did other stuff.

Anyway, I don’t know but “I don’t know” is not a positive reinforcement. It’s hard to keep motivated when I’m afraid I’m Charlie suddenly realizing the drugs are wearing off and I’m returning to my former state.

Oh yeah, it could literally be the drugs - I went off my anti-depressant Wellbutrin which is known to have a weight loss effect and might have a reversed weight gain effect. For the record, it probably also has a hair loss effect. You might want to stay away from it.

“Pages” don’t work like I thought they would.

So here anyway is a first installment of product reviews.

Exercise-related things I recommend:

Workout clothes in larger sizes from A Big Attitude.  I particularly recommend the “capri pants” and matching “sports tops”.  Nice that you can get them separately in different sizes, too.

It’s been around a long time now, but I really find the Gaiam Balance Ball Kit to be a good beginner’s exercise system.

I like the following exercise DVDs enough to buy my own copy instead of keeping the Netflix copy forever:

• Shaping up with Weights for Dummies
• stay tuned for more to come